How to Survive Your Kids’ Spring Break
It’s that time of year again. Spring break for the kids! It can feel daunting at first, but don’t worry. I have a plan.
The first thing you should do is lie down in a quiet spot where you can focus uninterrupted. Now take a deep breath and let thoughts of Pinterest-inspired crafts, intentional learning through outdoor kinesthetic play, and scavenger hunts with witty yet child-appropriate poems waft through your head. Take several minutes to feel the creativity and intentional parenting flow through your body. Bask in the solid foundation and lifelong memories you and your children will make.
Now- and this is an extremely important step-
Pour a glass of wine and forget that shit.
Yep, let it go.
And let’s get REAL on how to survive your kids’ spring break.
First of all, each night of break, keep your child up waaay past their bedtime. That way, you can sleep later in the morning. To prevent this from ruining your evenings, tell your kids you have to do the laundry in your bedroom. Then shut and lock yourself inside your bedroom while watching scary movies. Before you start that movie you DVR’ed a year ago but haven’t had time to watch yet, stuff towels into the space between the bottom of the door and the floor. This prevents tiny fingers and Toy Story characters drawn on paper from slipping through that space and inadvertently terrifying you during your scary movie.
Now, get your chocolate from one of the hidden stashes and savor every rich creamy bite of decadence. Important note, have a piece of broccoli on hand to eat before leaving your room. Not only will the kids not be able to smell chocolate on your breath, but if they check for food crumbs or pieces of food stuck in your teeth, they will only see broccoli and will not want any. Well done, momma. A tiny piece of broccoli is a small price to pay for the continued concealment of your chocolate stash.
The next morning, let your children sleep as long as possible. To encourage this, put up black-out shades the day before break begins. Keep insisting to the kids, “It’s not time to get up. See? (pointing to the window) It’s still dark outside; the middle of the night.” This may buy you an extra hour.
Daytime plan: Before break begins, you will have contacted 5 different moms from your kids’ classes. To each you say how much your kids have been begging for a play date with their kids and can you bring them over Monday (Tuesday, Wednesday, you get the idea). Since you have this set up ahead of time, you are ready to drop the kids off each morning at a different house. Just remember which house so you can find your kids at the end of the day. (Turns out if you don’t find the right house before nightfall, some parents call the cops).
Pick your kids up after lunchtime. Now you won’t have to feed them a meal. Score! But, there’s still an afternoon ahead of you. Don’t worry, you’ve got this. Here’s what you do… Take the kids directly to the nearest park. Make sure you have your “lemonade” with you to start sippin’. (During spring break you are in survival mode therefore not required to wait til 5:00).
Now you have reached the point where rookies frequently mess up. Luckily, you’ve got me to guide you through this extremely crucial step. You MUST pick the right place to sit at the park. Yeah, it’s that important. After all, you don’t want to be too close to the kids (they’ll ask you to play or push them on the swing). Equally as important, though, is to discourage other people from talking to you. Or making eye contact. ‘Cause ladies, it’s just too “peoplely” out there during spring break. The best trick I’ve learned is to wear a face mask (you know, like the kind you wear at the doctor’s office when you have a contagious disease). Also, don’t wear undereye concealer that day. No one will come near you. Quite possibly not even your own kids.
Once it’s getting dark, take your tired kids home. Put out slices of deli meat rolled up (we call them turkey or ham sticks to make them sound fancy). Put out pickles and cheese. Done.
Repeat previous steps.
And that’s it. The key to surviving your kids’ spring break.
*Please note this is entirely written for humor and not to be used in real life. Well, except for the chocolate stash part, ‘cause that’s a necessity. This post will be followed shortly with a round-up of awesome spring break and Easter crafts to do with your kiddos. (For real).